i couldn't sleep...

A friend recently asked me how I was doing and I gave the automatic “fine”. Then she asked what was going on with me. I stopped for a moment and then explained that adoption fills nearly all of my thoughts these days. I spend hours thinking about our little girl or boy. What will they look like? What activities will they love? What thoughts will they think? I then move to more painful questions. Will they wish they hadn’t been adopted? Will I be good enough for them?

The adoption reading and research has really taught me one thing…I can’t control anything. That’s extremely hard for me because I live a life that is of my own making. It’s really hit home that we have no control over our own bodies to create a baby. We have no control over the production of the baby we will eventually adopt. We have no control over what the birth mother consumes or how she acts during her pregnancy. And we have no control over what our child will think or especially feel about the adoption, their birth family and us. The reading has made me realize that I have to completely let it all go and then I have to love my child as much as I can, be as responsive to their needs as possible, pay attention to the things they aren’t saying and not take things personally.

Adoption starts with loss and grief for everybody involved. The birth mother will never be able to parent the baby who grew in her and whom she loves. The baby will never get to be raised by the people who created her and to whom she has genetic ties. The baby starts life with a horrible loss (one that many people cannot understand). The adoptive parents grieve the loss of not being able to have a biological child.

I’ve had so many conversations with family and friends about adoption issues, but I think many people still struggle to understand. It’s a pervasive culture thought that the adoption should be celebrated (and it should), but those rejoicing need to remember that there was a loss involved and it’s okay for adoptees to have mixed feelings.

Since adoption is frequently in my thoughts, it’s frequently a topic of conversation. I’ve had a couple recent conversations with two of my friends. These were one on one conversations, so they were a little bit more intimate than the larger group discussions. Both individuals were raised by a single mother, one doesn’t know anything about her father and the other only knows about his birth father in passing, but knows nothing about his birth father’s family. Each person brought up their own feelings of loss when I talked about why an open adoption is so important. Each expressed how not knowing about their father has caused serious identity issues and each has emotional triggers that seem benign to the rest of us. Life is hard and it’s even harder to go through it when you don’t have the advantage of knowing where you come from. Many adoptees and people who were raised without a parent feel that loss every day. It’s like a limb that’s been removed and while it’s not necessarily constantly in their thoughts, there are daily reminders that one is living without something important.

I’m praying that we’ll be chosen by a mother (and if lucky a father) who want to stay involved in their child’s life, so that our son or daughter knows where they come from. I’m praying that Joel and I have the compassion to understand the mixed feelings our child experiences and that we’ll be able to meet their emotional needs around these issues.

we got an exciting email

We received our first birth mother email today. In said emails, Journeys provides prospective adoptive families with the mother’s biography and asks them to decide if they’d like her to see their portfolio. For confidentiality’s sake, I’m not going to share any of the details of the email; however, I will say that it was quite exciting to get it and we responded affirmatively, stating that we’d like to be considered. I thinking we should know something, either way, in about two weeks (although, that’s only a guess).

The email was also had a serious emotional impact on me. As some of you may know, I had a gender preference, although our agency does not allow us to choose, since you wouldn’t be able to choose if you were pregnant. Today’s email was about a baby of the other gender, but I was still super excited. I didn’t even stop to think for split second, my thought was yes (right away). It made me realize that gender doesn’t really matter (which I knew deep in my heart already) and I’ll be thrilled with any baby no matter the gender.

I’m sure there are many families who will be considered, but I’m still excited.

the next few months / our service plan

Below is our service plan. I wanted to share it so that family and friends know what we'll be up to for the next couple months. Also, now you know why we will be bugging you to have lots of discussions and possibly read books over the next couple months. :)

Adoption Education

Strategies:
A: Attend Journeys of the Heart adoption education class
B: Read and review Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao
C: Read and review 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
D: Continue discussing what you are reading with each other.

Outcome: Family will increase their knowledge of adoption issues their child may face.


Transracial Plan (in the event child of different ethnicity is placed in the family)

Strategies:
A: Read and review Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall
B: Research resources in the community that promote inclusion of other cultures
C: Find information about adoption support groups in the area that focus on transracial adoption. Consider joining the group.
D: Identify books related to the possible various ethnicities of child. Once ethnicity is known, read identified books.
E: Write out a transracial plan that includes activities that you will do with your child to promote his/her ethnic identity

Outcome: The couple will have a plan in place to provide for child’s ethnic identity.


Educate extended family and close friends on adoption issues

Strategies:
A: Discuss positive adoption vocabulary with family and friends
B: Discuss the importance of honoring the child’s past connections
C: Discuss ways in which to handle questions and comments from strangers
D: Provide family with books to read, such as Family
of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao, or choose a personal favorite

Outcome: Family and friends will be positive and educated about adoption, enabling them to address it appropriately with the adopted child.


Educate oneself, extended family and close friends on open adoption

Strategies:
A: Please read and review Making Room in Our Hearts by Mickey
Duxbury and consider how you will promote your relationship with the
birth parents
B: Provide family and close friends with the above book and encourage
them to read it
C: Discuss the importance of honoring the child’s birth family, extended
family and past connections with family and close friends

Outcome: You, family and friends will be positive about and educated on open adoption.


Plan to honor birth parents and child’s past connections

Strategies:
A: Choose places in the home where birth family pictures can be hung or placed
B: Consider family rituals (prayers, celebrations) where the birth family and past connections can be thanked, prayed for, or acknowledged in some way
C: Make a plan for honoring the child’s past connections

Outcome: Family will have a plan to honor child’s birth family and past connections.


Attachment and Bonding

Strategies:
A: Read The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears, M.D. &
Martha Sears, R.N.
B: Read and review Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray if adopting an older child or one who has been in foster care
C: Do on line research about activities that promote attachment
D: Make a plan of activities that promote attachment

Outcome: Couple will have an understanding of attachment/bonding and have a plan of activities that they will do with their child to promote both.


Prepare financially for the adoption

Strategies:
A: Create a will
B: Consider a life insurance plan
C: Contact your health insurance company and speak to them about when and how to add your new child onto the health insurance plan
D: Find out when the child will be fully covered by health insurance

Outcome: Couple will be financially prepared for the adoption of their child.


Continue to prepare the home for the safety and well-being of the child

Strategies:
A: Make the home safe as appropriate for the age of the child, including finishing up any home projects
B: Prepare the child’s room
C: Consider how you will acclimate the cats to the new baby.

And a suggestion (not mandatory):
D: Attend infant/toddler CPR and first aid training. Become certified

Outcome: Couple will have a safe and inviting environment when the child comes home.


Parenting Skills

Strategies:
A: Participate in an adoptive parenting skills/infants class. A class
specifically designed for adoptive parents is available in the Portland
area. See www.nafaonline.org Provide proof of attendance.
B:: Research pediatricians in the area; select one prior to placement of a
child
C:: Identify and explore potential resources for your family, such as play
groups, other adoptive families, and community resources

Outcome: Couple will feel competent and at ease in taking care of an infant by the time child arrives home.


Research alcohol, drug, and tobacco use during pregnancy

Strategies:
A: Read and review Adoption and Prenatal Alcohol and Drug Exposure; Research, Policy, and Practice; edited by Richard P. Barth, Madelyn Freundlich, and David Brodzinsky.
B: Make notes on special ways in which to care for a drug exposed baby
C: Have discussions with families who are raising or who have raised adopted children who were exposed to alcohol, drugs, or tobacco in utero

Outcome: Couple will be knowledgeable of the effects of substance abuse during pregnancy.


And finally, a suggestion (not mandatory): Create a Life Book for your adopted child

Strategies:
A: Have family members write and/or draw about their feelings for the child/adoption prior to placement
B: Add photos of your adoption journey (with captions) as they become available
C: If appropriate, include things from the birth family
D: Continue to add to the album until child comes home

Outcome: Family will have an album in place to show the child as (s)he grows up about how (s)he came to be in the family

now we wait

Our home study was officially approved by our agency on March 13th. A few days later we turned in five copies of our portfolio to both the Oregon and Washington offices. We have reached the waiting/preparation phase of our adoption process. Yesterday, we received our service plan, which outlines the activities we must complete prior to placement. I’ll share more about that in another post.

Our conversations with family and friends continue. We have been discussing everything from raising a child of another race to finances to child care to the best car seats. I think that I’ve been quiet lately about my feelings and my plans because we really don’t know when we will be selected. I somehow feel disingenuous, like we’re faking it. It really would be easier if we were pregnant because then we at least have a specific date for the baby’s arrival. Obviously, we will have a specific deadline once we are selected, but at that point we won’t have much time to prepare. It’s a catch 22.

One thing I can say, the service plan will help motivate me to get some things done. It will help us prioritize and start to determine what we should get done in advance, even if we haven’t been selected yet.

So here’s to the waiting…may it be filled with lots of progress on our service plan.