A friend recently asked me how I was doing and I gave the automatic “fine”. Then she asked what was going on with me. I stopped for a moment and then explained that adoption fills nearly all of my thoughts these days. I spend hours thinking about our little girl or boy. What will they look like? What activities will they love? What thoughts will they think? I then move to more painful questions. Will they wish they hadn’t been adopted? Will I be good enough for them?
The adoption reading and research has really taught me one thing…I can’t control anything. That’s extremely hard for me because I live a life that is of my own making. It’s really hit home that we have no control over our own bodies to create a baby. We have no control over the production of the baby we will eventually adopt. We have no control over what the birth mother consumes or how she acts during her pregnancy. And we have no control over what our child will think or especially feel about the adoption, their birth family and us. The reading has made me realize that I have to completely let it all go and then I have to love my child as much as I can, be as responsive to their needs as possible, pay attention to the things they aren’t saying and not take things personally.
Adoption starts with loss and grief for everybody involved. The birth mother will never be able to parent the baby who grew in her and whom she loves. The baby will never get to be raised by the people who created her and to whom she has genetic ties. The baby starts life with a horrible loss (one that many people cannot understand). The adoptive parents grieve the loss of not being able to have a biological child.
I’ve had so many conversations with family and friends about adoption issues, but I think many people still struggle to understand. It’s a pervasive culture thought that the adoption should be celebrated (and it should), but those rejoicing need to remember that there was a loss involved and it’s okay for adoptees to have mixed feelings.
Since adoption is frequently in my thoughts, it’s frequently a topic of conversation. I’ve had a couple recent conversations with two of my friends. These were one on one conversations, so they were a little bit more intimate than the larger group discussions. Both individuals were raised by a single mother, one doesn’t know anything about her father and the other only knows about his birth father in passing, but knows nothing about his birth father’s family. Each person brought up their own feelings of loss when I talked about why an open adoption is so important. Each expressed how not knowing about their father has caused serious identity issues and each has emotional triggers that seem benign to the rest of us. Life is hard and it’s even harder to go through it when you don’t have the advantage of knowing where you come from. Many adoptees and people who were raised without a parent feel that loss every day. It’s like a limb that’s been removed and while it’s not necessarily constantly in their thoughts, there are daily reminders that one is living without something important.
I’m praying that we’ll be chosen by a mother (and if lucky a father) who want to stay involved in their child’s life, so that our son or daughter knows where they come from. I’m praying that Joel and I have the compassion to understand the mixed feelings our child experiences and that we’ll be able to meet their emotional needs around these issues.
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